The 67's
by Gojirob
Summary: A shagadelic dude and a square villain crash onto Janeway's swinging pad. They freak me out, Bay-Bee!


A square villain and a shagadelic dude decide to crash onto Voyager's swinging pad. They freak me out, Bay-bee!!

**The 67's**  
by Rob Morris

Janeway : "Captain's Log. We have encountered a planet of Free-Love, Swinging Singles, And Extravagant Devices. They claim to have taken their inspiration from the travelers they call The 67's. Under the 'Do Your Own Thing' Law, we have found and revived one of these men."

AP : Well, well--you're a bit of all right, aren't you?

J : I am Captain Kathryn Janeway, of The Federation Starship Voyager. Might I ask who you are, sir?

AP : Let's put it this way, Kitty-Kat. My middle name is Danger. Mrowwr!

J : Ah-huh. And what are your first and last names?

AP : You're an uncommon bird, Kathryn. The name is Powers—Austin Powers. What year have I been revived in--or do I have to seduce it out of you? And I will, you know.

Tuvok : Then, you, sir, must be the owner of this genital enlargement device of Scandinavian extraction.

AP : It's not mine.

Tuvok : Your name is imprinted upon it.

AP : I have quite the common name, you know. Common name--Uncommon Man.

Tuvok : It contains samples of your DNA.

AP : I never dropped--that kind of Acid.

Tuvok : It contains a 'Polaroid' of you making use of this device.

AP : I only said it wasn't mine. I was merely testing it for a dear friend in M1-6 with endowment troubles. Hint, Hint - His initials were JB?

Kim : John Barrymore had endowment issues?

Paris : And I didn't know he was in M1-6.

Janeway : Mister Powers, who are the others kept here in cryo?

AP : Oh, that's merely the family and entourage of my arch-enemy, Doctor Evil.

Janeway : I see. Be'lanna, do you think you could keep their cryo-stasis units in engineering?

Torres : But Captain, if they should awaken, they'll be in a prime position to take over the ship.

Janeway : No, no. We must do it this way. Also--put an easily escaped force field around them.

Chakotay : Captain, I must protest...

( Janeway pushes a button marked, 'Chakotay'; He falls through a hole )

Chakotay : Kathryn, this hole leads to a holodeck. I'm fine.

Janeway : Computer..Initiate Dixon Hill Program.

Chakotay : Nooooo.......!!!!

( Later, of course, Doctor Evil and his bunch revive; He puts his pinky into the force field, and is shocked. )

Doctor Evil : Damn this force field! No, we shall never get through it. Everyone, back into cryo!

( Scott Evil shakes his head, and waltzes through the field )

Scott : Dad--it's like grabbing a doorknob--Duh!

Dr E : ( Smiles stupidly ) Oh, to be young and daring like my son. But someone must ponder how to rule this cosmos. Everyone, gather around this conveniently placed conference table. Here are my plans for taking over the Galaxy.

Scott Evil : None of which will actually work.

( Goes to press Scott's button, is restrained )

DE : All right. In my first plan, we will cause the disappearance and presumed death of Starfleet's greatest hero, James T. Kirk.

( Number Two Hands Him a Copy of ST : Generations )

DE : Plan Two--We will create a race of cybernetic super-beings who will stupidly allow people to board their ships.

Scott : Hello--they're called The Borg!

DE : ( Mockingly ) Heellew! There Cilled The Boorg!! Plan Three – We Will Demand That The United Federation Of Planets pay us---One Hundred Zillion Dollars! Or We Will Unleash A Cornucopia-shaped device that uses planets for its energy!

Scott : Zillion isn't a real number--Numbnuts.

Number Two : Our 'Doomsday Device' was found and destroyed.

Fraulein : Und Sozialism has taken hold. The UFP no longer uzes money.

DE : Would it be asking so FRICKIN much to have a newsfeed installed in my cryopod? Work with your evil master, people.

( Be'lanna walks in, sees the conference )

Torres : What the hell....

DE : Er, go away! Shoo! We're not here. We have...authorization to be here! We're planning a cookout with sausage and peppers.

( Torres shrugs, goes back to work)

DE : We have to relocate. This base has been compromised. We'll take over Neelix's Galley.

Scott : We're going to give up Engineering--where allll kinds of tech is---and move to the galley, which doesn't even have a working replicator? Hellloo!!

DE : Son, someday you'll take over Evil Enterprises, and it will all become clear to you.

Number Two : Sir, I have to go with Scott on this one. Why not the holodeck, or astrometrics?

DE : Because, Number Two--that is exactly what Mister Powers will be expecting us to do. My mind is always one step ahead of his, you see.

Scott : Yeah, But--Powers doesn't know we're out yet!

DE : Excellent point, Scott. Fraulein, go and inform Mister Powers that we are out and about.

( Number Two and Scott exchange exasperated looks )

AP : ( On the Bridge ) So, Tommy--Can You Hear Me?! ( Laughs )

Paris : Something to say, Powers?

AP : Yah, Matey! You were in Auckland with all those Zealander Penal Babes! Did you shower with them?

Paris : ( Shrugs ) Communal showers are common now.

AP : ( Disappointed ) You just ruined every good voyeur movie ever made.

Janeway : Mister Powers, you are an anachronism.

AP : And I know Kama Sutra, too, Miss Kitty.

( Onscreen appears Doctor Evil, from The Galley )

DE : Captain Janeway, I have seized control of your ship, and all 150 shuttlecrafts are also in my custody.

( Neelix comes behind him on-screen )

Neel : Doctor, did you want Kazon Cheddar with your omelet?

DE : And some of that leola root, Neelix. But - let a little egg and cheese drip out. Ahem! As I was saying, Captain--you must immediately send a message to The UFP, demanding their unconditional surrender.

Janeway : But a message--presuming it gets through--would take decades to reach them, and more decades for them to get back to us, even once.

DE : ( Eyes dart about, nervous ) Er, I'm calling your bluff, Captain. Send the message--if they fail to respond within twenty-five years---we'll take a wait and see attitude. I'm flexible.

AP : You're flexible like an Octopussy, Doctor Evil! What's your game?

DE : What are you, dense? I want control of The Federation! How much more plainer can I make it?

AP : No plainer than my fist as I judo-punch your bald head, Evil.

DE : Bald? Oh--we're getting personal, now? Ok--Mister--Number Two, what have we got on him?

( Number Two whispers )

DE : Mister constantly foiling all my plans. Ha! Didn't expect that we knew about that, did you? We have eyes everywhere!

AP : He's good. But I'm Go-Go Good.

Kim : What the hell does that mean?

Paris : ( Through gritted teeth ) Harry, don't get him started....

AP : Well, Mister Kim--In my day, we called it--a Mojo.

( Crew shakes their heads )

DE : ( In engineering ) Miss Torres--did you install the easily accessible self-destruct device?

Torres : Yeah. Now Can I go?

DE : ( Cackling ) Not..just yet. First, you must eat this whole plate of live worms! HAAHAHHAHHAA!!!

( Be'lanna does so )

Torres : Here's a clue, Lex--back home we called this gagh!

DE : Er--Ick!! Ok--but now, Mister Vorik must resist my insults. Vorik--your parents only had sex once every seven years!

Vorik : Indeed.

DE : Move along. Out. Shoo.

( Sees Suder )

DE : Mister Suder--you remind me of a serial killer I once knew 

Suder : And Your Point Is....?

DE : I hate this crew. I mean I really hate them.

( Guards come in with Tuvok, Janeway, and Austin Powers )

Scott : Good, we got em'. Now let's kill em.

AP : Y'know, Captain? Maybe we should have taken those phasers along, after all. I mean, they only have knives.

Tuvok : In this, I must concur with Mister Powers, Captain.

Janeway : I'm in Command here, not you two. Remember that. I have 150 brig cells waiting for when this crew turns.

Scott : Dad, what are we waiting for? Let's just kill em.

DE : No, Scott. I'm going to place them in a room with an easily dispersed nerve gas.

Scott : Mister Powers, help me out, here.

AP : Well, Scott. You must understand that I am rather biased. Oh, Hell. Doctor Evil--Scott's right. You really should kill us.

Tuvok : Illogical, but sound. An insincere effort to kill us makes no sense at all.

DE : ( Indignant ) Mister Powers! Mister Tuvok! I don't tell you how to thwart my evil designs--don't you tell me how to treat my prisoners! I won't have it. I just won't have it!

AP : Scott, man--I tried.

Scott : ( Appreciative ) Yeah, you did. Thanks.

DE : Now I shall use my Event Negater which I call The Black Hole Event Horizon Stargate!

Scott : Oh, goody. Three lawsuits in one.

Janeway : What does it do?

DE : It erases events. Like they never happened. Here, I have a working demo I use for the trade shows.

( Next to the gargantuan device is a smaller version of it )

DE : Mister Powers--remember that shopping mall base of mine? Well, all those magnets from Magnet Whirld came in handy.

AP : Did the Auntie Anne's survive?

DE : ( Points over to a concession stand) Sure. Could you get me some Cinnamon Pretzels while you're there? Lemonade, too. Anyway, you focus on an event, like when Mister Powers and I were kidnapped by aliens centuries back, and you press delete--like this...

( Portal opens )

AP : ( Wanders back with food ) Cor! I get it--then time erases the event, and edits everything in the portal--gear! Doctor Evil, how do you shut it off?

( DE starts shaking his finger )

DE : Boy, hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

* * *

( New History )

Janeway : Poor dear Samantha Wildman has left us. But I shall raise her daughter Naomi as my own. I shall teach her to think as I do, act as I do, dress as I do, and groom herself as I do.

( Out comes Naomi, dressed and groomed just like the Captain )

Janeway : I shall call her...Mini-Me.

Crew : Ewwwww!!!!!

AUSTIN POWERS WILL RETURN IN :

GROOVE OF THE PROPHETS,

Q*OOL,

AND

LOOKIT THE ANCIENT THREE- HEADED FREAK OUT, BAY--BEE!!!


End file.
